the tense all building up!

its been 3 weeks since the start of the bike course and so far...... i have been doing quite well lah. the world is fair to hard workers. right? of cos! i have put in a lot of effort that's why i haven't made any major mistakes yet.

tomorrow is the ultimate stress day. all the tense that was building up this week will all pressure me. ~_~ yes, tomorrow is when all the tests would be held - balancing, circuit, e-brake. one failure in any of this 3 results in a FAIL in all! ah the stress, imagine that T_T. how would u deal with this situation? kinda scary right.

there are total of 5 stations in balancing test, fail one and its a total failure for you. :( sigh the stress. i just cant help to emphasis on the stress. circuit riding is also one of the key test that many fails. i passed mine during assessments but that doesn't mean so in the real test. i'm quite confident of my skills but luck plays a big big part. T_T


my end of year present is to pass out from the bike course. really.

tired.

phobia. insecurity.

i feel time flowing through my hands.... its like grasping sand...but its efforts all in vain.

right, my bike course lasts 5.5 days a week. 8am to 5pm.

no they are all lies. it starts daily at 7am and hafta wake up at 5am and it all ends at 5.30pm and its around 6.30pm i got home. do the math.

i don't even have the time to enjoy myself... life's so miserable for me. :'( it was just a blink of the eye and its already sunday night, with the morning approaching. :'( and there i'm awake and blogging cum studying for the test tomorrow. :'(

i'm unhappy. not enough sleep!~

i'm starting to save up (finally!). but desires to go shopping and indulge in luxuries and sins fill up in me. again, life's miserable.

i got a new haircut today, kinda not satisfied with the hair. what to do, life's like that. not like i could change the army rule and keep long hair. hmm looks like i'm stuck with short hair for 2 years. god.

i want to invest in stocks, very soon, once i saved enough.

unhappiness.

today we learnt how to balance while standing on the bike. yes, standing, its as tough as it sounds. what's more, we have to clear a wooden plank and stay on the plank for 6secs while we're in standing position on the bike. that's insane.

sigh. today just sucks.

im so enraged.

didn't do so well for the bike course today. i couldn't remember the route well and i kept getting lost. i was lost. totally.

i hate the course. i hate it. why must they make us remember such a complicated route.... it makes me so angry. :/ i hate it when other trainees on rover (car) block my way. i hate them when they move so slow at the turn.

i guess i'm not a good rider. expect havoc if i get my civilian license.

i'm feeling so down. how i wish my life would change now............ change back to how it was... how it was when i really work hard for something, how it was when my mother bought me lunch/dinner so that i could eat it after a day's hard work.... how it was when my mother would always ask me how's my day.

.....

i..wish .. to get what i really wanted.. be successful... having power... having wealth... having a blissful life. my life... i'm not satisfied with it.. but one quote is so true. so true that it touches me. my bike instructor told us today, "learn to appreciate." this simple quote....... is so true. its like... "damn this bike i'm assigned to SUCKS!" but what happens if i exchanged bike with my friend? i would or might say, "damn how i wish to have my earlier bike, which is much better."

so... i don't know. but telling myself to appreciate things might make myself feel better. i should really appreciate my life and not complain like a bitch. so screw it when someone living a comfortable life complain. go learn to appreciate, bitch!

back to riding. some instructors are really nice. so i'll just bite the bullet and accept it when they scold me or yell at me. after all they are all seniors aged 50 above. ah..... respect them, for they are working so hard for their family. yeah. so i'll appreciate them too. starting tomorrow.

i want to try new things but im restricted. i'm having constraints. i even think twice when i spend a penny because i totally don't take a cent from my father. i'm having so many issues. i'm so worried my father get cheated again. is it wise to give him so much financial freedom? will he stray and be cheated again? ... or should i take allowance from him? i have so much to ponder. what should the answer be?

my mind is all filled up with question marks.. where do i find the answers to them........

the important thing for now is riding and pass all the riding tests. i guess i'll be alright, if i remain focus and remain the same old me.

Bike course today.

I can't deny i love the feeling of riding but i do think that i would have fear over speeding. Today lesson was all about moving on bike with just gear 1. ah... its our first interaction with our bike and lucky me i got a bike with little problems. some of my friends can't even start their bike engine......... this shows how shitty those bikes are.

I learnt what i thought to be the toughest thing to understand, the bike. so... i totally grasp the idea of how the bike works and managed it pretty well.. the stuffs about clutch...throttle...kick start... everything. i guess my fundamentals are pretty up there. haha! hate to admit but i always know my stuffs.

The only tough part is handling the bike! its .... a freaking 100kg++? bike.. just imagine the efforts to maintain posture on the bike and maneuvering it! its definitely not easy and cannot be done in a day work. so yeah, i believe time makes up for everything, so yeah, it won't long before i got used to it.

hmmm. what dreads most were the lectures on theories. ah.. **** the hrs spent in the air con room listening to lecture was unbearable. i kept dosing off and was caught several times. sigh lol. now im getting worried if i would sleep in university level lectures. zzzzzz.

overall, the bike course is really nice. well free things are all nice. :)


i can't wait to get my 3 stripes!

sigh, useless me.

losing stuffs at this age, being complacent and everything. placing enjoyment above all else and in the end loses his own important document, yielding extra duties and monetary punishment.

sigh! i lost my 11b (nsman green ic) on thursday in camp. where did i lose it....i am not aware of that even... i knew something dread was going to happen to me... there was this strong surge of bad feeling and finally it happened. i remember warning myself to keep the 11b in the pocket into the cupboard but i didn't. i was busy playing tekken with bunk friends :/ sigh.. the enjoyment cost too much.

the feeling of losing something really important is not good at all.. i felt like i could destroy everything. i was in such a bad mood.

then friday was ippt. useless me again. i didn't achieve gold. but i managed to chiong every station and got pretty good individual results. i did 61 sit up (proud) 17 pull up (proud!) and shuttle run (9.8s proud considering how i didn't put in my best :P). i nearly took the record holding for my company but i didn't. the record is 61 sit up 25 pull up 9.1s shuttle run 260 sbj. hmmm maybe i can own the 2 records for pull up and sit up...well gotten try harder next year. what's far more important is the respect that i gain after trying so hard. now i feel better knowing i can get hold of my men. the society works like this, people look up to you only when you are better than them, yes respect plays a part too but in this case ... fitness is almost everything in the army.

next up i'm going for the motorbike course this coming monday! im feeling excited. haha.

i'm feeling so lost. someone tell me what i should do..

okay an update! i wonder where is my usual audiences to my blog. hmmm. did they turn away from my blog? oh well.. i cant force them to stay anyway. well carry on reading if you're interested!

okay an update of my life, nothing but NS. this week was a thrilling one full of sleep and rest. it was thrilling, cos i got the chance to meet my new friends in kranji camp! oh god, you guys could never imagine how fun our team is. its the best team in my opinion. they are fun individuals, slack but get things done, they got laid back attitude but that doesn't mean they aren't good! okay i admit they arent up there yet, but we will go through the tough times together and become a better man.

so we had our soc. god i failed during the trial run clocking 10:20 but well it was a trial so its okay right? then we had our second soc real test on thurs and i clock 9:39. yup thats my personal best timing. you all may laugh but this really is my personal best and im pretty proud of it! so this is the glory we are talking about. ahhaha! and i totally book out walking with air. :) i consider this as the first step to prove myself, to have what it takes to command my men.

army lets me learn a lot about leadership. it is about influencing others and to influence isn't that easy to execute at all. it is going to take me some time to go figure..... how to really, show people the impression that hey, thats the commander of the team. maybe, just maybe i have this passive ability in me that shows clearly im the one giving the say. i dont know, im not trying to be bhb here. hahaha. hmmmmmmmmmmmm. well im still figuring and there is not much time left for me to brood on it.

other than leadership, there is the politicks in the army. that's right, politicks..... ah... there's so much about politicks... but the first chapter that i'm touching on is "eating" you up. it simply means kenna eaten up by higher ups or lower like your men. Now the situation is we are currently being eaten up by our men (almost) and that is the last thing i want that to happen in this 1 1/2 years. the men in the army like to test system, or so my 2sg said. they test their extent by how much they can climb onto our heads, increasing and extending the line they can step over. my friends like me training to be sergeant are taking turns to lead and are currently being eaten up by my men. but hell, no way they are going to eat me, cos i'm and will be the one taking charge and no one is going to overwrite my orders. hahahhaa does that sound impressive? i can be very nice to people but hey, just dont climb onto my head and i won;t lose my cool. :)

ippt is around the corner, AGAIN! hell, just how many ippts must i take a year?!?? but never mind. this is when i show them who takes charge. i'll let them bow! hahaha, no it should be respect. :)

eh okay back to normal life. i guess i should really start to find a partner soon, after i get my 3 stripes. so friends out there! help me keep an eye wide open for gorgeous ladies for me! hahahah! i used to have a lot of chances coming at me but i just don't know how to appreciate them. i broke so many hearts that i shouldn't and made good girls cry. sigh thats how bad i used to be. if there is ever this chance..... coming at me i swear i wont let it pass by me again. (provided that the person is who i really care for and love. right? :) ) sigh and i miss my mom so much. i wish she'd be there to listen to my woes, help me with everything... give me advice on troubles which i had suffered and suffering now. :( i get so jealous and envy of my friends who still have their mom around and just then one camp friend of mine argued with his mom.... its the same old thing - be nice to your mom and dad when they are still there for you coz they wont be there forever.

sigh. my life. lets hope it turn out great. i will strive for both army and my life and will give 100% effort. i run my soc now and i don't skip and skive. i really want to be a perfect for everyone and everything else. lets bless this oldman/panda/gordon. :)